Wonderfully Made – Build Successful Marriages

Even as a young man, I know how badly I struggled with pornography and masturbation. The innate lustful nature in me governs this aspect of my life. I am a good kid with a reasonable background, but when it comes to sexual desires, the monstrous hormones seemingly take control of it all. Pornography was an addiction.

However, as I mature in life, my deep hunger for love and my increasing enlightenment of my insecurities prompted me to pursue all knowledge related to the fulfillment of that love I so seek.  I guess that’s when all my sexuality knowledge roots began to build up.

After experiencing a major heartbreak because of my jealousy issues, I made a promise to break from all forms of dating for a year to settle them. That year became foundational as I learned self control over emotional instability, and how true love is really sacrificial, yet healthy and secure.

My one year break turned into years of self development and even ventures into knowledge of all things sexuality and relationship related, so as to help other people as well. When I finally met Roxanne, I knew I was ready for courtship.

However, those monstrous desires that occupied me when I was younger are still within me, only that I have now cultivated a good amount of self control through those years of development. At that time, I have gained control over pornography addiction, but was still victim to it once in a while. When I was pursuing Rox, I knew I had to do what is responsible and most healthy for our eventual relationship. I know I must let her in to the most vulnerable part of me.

I still remember the email I wrote to her. I braved through the risk of letting her know it all. It was hard admitting that I was perhaps, not as ideal? Yet I know I have to do it for the good of our relationship. If I were to hide it from her before we even start, I cannot imagine what things I will hide from her in future. The mistakes this avoidance may potentially result, are grave and if committed, are irreversibly damaging. Also, as a purist for love (as I shared on how hard I sought to find fulfilling love), I know I would never find real intimacy and connectedness with her, if I can’t tell her what my biggest weakness is. This is my reason for being truthful and honest with her. I know I have to be courageous and face this battle.

Rox’s response to me was very encouraging. She thanked me for letting her into this part of my life, and we acknowledged the challenges ahead realistically. Through the years, because of her love for me, and my commitment to account to her out of love, we enjoyed a free, real and intimate love and friendship.

But as guys, the roving eyes are the hardest to tame. Though I can say that I am accountable and free from pornography and masturbation, I can’t say that I am 24/7 free from ‘my roving eyes’. Temptations are everyday and everywhere in this colorful world and we may not always be alert 24/7 to restrain from a  2nd look. Out of convenience and to avoid conflicts, I gave myself excuses and kept myself from accounting about ‘my roving eyes’. I thought, “I am already doing what most guys wouldn’t do and who can stop their eyes from roving 24/7 anyway?”

One find day, in a ‘not so alert’ moment, my eyes followed the trail of a lady while Rox was away. The next thing I knew, Rox was right in front of me and caught my roving eyes. I felt totally embarrassed. Her womanhood was insulted and I can understand why. That night, she shy away from our usual conversational connection. Something is impaired in our relationship and I’m not willing to live with this. The only other way, it seems, is if I change – no, not in nature (as that can’t be changed), but in my accountability and letting her into the vulnerable parts of my life again, so that we can struggle together, try together and grow together.

“Ok Darling, I promise you from now on, I’ll tell you my struggles with my roving eyes, but you also promise me, that if I share with you honestly, you will not react ok. I have to admit, I know I am not able to stop this completely, because it’s in our nature as men, but I will try, and as long as I try, and with your support, I should do better. “

With her understanding and assurance of my love for her, she saw the distinction of my love and my weakness, clearer than ever before. We clinched another deal towards the building of our intimacy and love in our relationship. I understand also that to safeguard our intimacy, I do have to make a deliberate choice to put in better efforts to stop my gaze from hovering to the naturally attractive objects.

I know deep down, I will never trade our love away for any substitutes. I will fight with my life to safeguard my love and intimacy with my wife.

The reward I get, is freedom emotionally and psychologically, and a more intimate, loving physical relationship.

Guys can never remove the temptation of lust totally. They can only fight the struggle, and they will only do so if they have sound moral, familial or marital values and a self-controlled character. So girls, choose carefully with maturity, using your head, rather than your heart. You are dealing with guys – all guys come with this inherent lustful weakness, and this will be one great hurdle in your relationship and marriage.

Most leopards do not want to change its spots, some leopards are trying but not ready yet, while those leopards who have changed, they will show it with clear signs of good fruits in their lives. This breed of men makes it a point to stay true to their wives and family, against their natural struggles. The more they make it a point to keep their wives involved in their lives by accounting to her their struggles, the more strength they gain through the deeper intimacy, connection and support of their wives.

Wives play an important part here: the more you understand and listen without judgmental views or harsh reactions, the more your husbands find it easy to open up and be vulnerable. It’s not just communication that keeps the marriage fire strong, it’s deep, open and vulnerable communication. Such communication builds real intimacy, which is the connection every person yearns, and this is where men find the fulfillment and contentment to overcome the innate lustful nature. We will realize that lust is a poor substitute to deep connected love and intimacy.

Lust is not the most fulfilling thing in life; love is.