The awaited sequel of the vampire series – The Twilight Saga: New Moon did not fail to disappoint with their impressive graphics, artistic scenes and.. the love triangle romance of the 3 hottest Hollywood stars of the moment.

After the show, I couldn’t resist my temptation to ask Roxanne, “Who would you choose if you were Bella? The vampire or the werewolf? Edward or Jacob?”

She thought for a moment and replied, “It’s hard, as both are very loving, and sacrificial. They are willing to lay down their lives for Bella and are great protectors and lovers. Both left Bella sacrificially for her good in order not to hurt her.”

I agreed with her observations, but told her I will go for Jacob.

Naturally, she asked why?

Allow me to just turn on my objective switch even though this is just a make believe motion picture which should really be taken with a pinch of salt. If this love triangle would come alive right now in reality, Jacob is the outright choice, the better man to pick of the two.

The logic behind is simple. Jacob is more ’mature’ in his approach to love. While Edward and Bella fell instinctively for each other in Twilight (sequel 1) without knowing much about each other, other than the physical attributes and the feel good mysterious vibes, Jacob has been really consistent in his interest for Bella for a long time. And the best of it all, he enjoyed a great friendship with her! Throughout their friendship, Jacob behaved like the perfect gentleman – he was non-imposing, did not cross the boundaries of a friend, yet deadly consistent and always there for her when she needs him. For someone to exhibit such traits for an extended period of time, it tells you something about his character, and his maturity.

And this is something Edward seemingly lacked. The most obvious giveaway stems from the fact that he tried to kill himself after he thought Bella was dead. The result? He almost got himself, his most beloved Bella and their good friend Alice, killed all at once! Not to mention the further repercussions out of the involvement of the other Cullens and the werewolves. Killing oneself for whatever reason - yes, even for love, is never right and is a sign of emotional insecurity and instability. Such a person is never ready for love. Just ask those who had experiences of girlfriends and boyfriends threatening suicide. It’s a romantic disaster in the making. Maturity is definitely far out in the woods.

So the obvious hands down winner (save for the fact that this mature boy is only 16! but really acts like 26 instead), is werewolf Jacob! *Claps!*

Maturity is one pre-requisite to a strong, sacrificial love. Marriage is not just a moment of declaration of wedding vows, but a lifelong sharing of life, including struggles and woes. There are bound to be challenges, quarrels, disagreements and temptations that can redirect your love if followed. Marriage is definitely not for the fainthearted. In fact, with the recent Tiger Woods affairs, Hugh Hefner (owner of Playboy Magazine) has made this statement - marriage is just a convenience. It’s very nice for raising kids, but the notion that monogamy lasts forever is a wish!

Of course Hugh’s statement wouldn’t stand with men of character. Unless a man is a true man in his character, with self respect for himself and family, and truthfulness for which he means what he says, and unless a man is truly mature in his love, it will be hard for him to stand the test of character and true love, to build a happy marriage.

A relationship based on feelings will never last, as no instinctive lovely dovey feelings can last 24/7 for a lifetime. Only feelings grounded by commitment and decision can, and a mature person will see to that that he means his decision, and he means his commitment.

Be wise. Wait for the right person (upright, mature and secure), and the right time (marriage is the only time one really makes a decision to commit), before you give off yourself  fully (in your emotions and your body) and irreversibly to another.

Even as a young man, I know how badly I struggled with pornography and masturbation. The innate lustful nature in me governs this aspect of my life. I am a good kid with a reasonable background, but when it comes to sexual desires, the monstrous hormones seemingly take control of it all. Pornography was an addiction.

However, as I mature in life, my deep hunger for love and my increasing enlightenment of my insecurities prompted me to pursue all knowledge related to the fulfillment of that love I so seek.  I guess that’s when all my sexuality knowledge roots began to build up.

After experiencing a major heartbreak because of my jealousy issues, I made a promise to break from all forms of dating for a year to settle them. That year became foundational as I learned self control over emotional instability, and how true love is really sacrificial, yet healthy and secure.

My one year break turned into years of self development and even ventures into knowledge of all things sexuality and relationship related, so as to help other people as well. When I finally met Roxanne, I knew I was ready for courtship.

However, those monstrous desires that occupied me when I was younger are still within me, only that I have now cultivated a good amount of self control through those years of development. At that time, I have gained control over pornography addiction, but was still victim to it once in a while. When I was pursuing Rox, I knew I had to do what is responsible and most healthy for our eventual relationship. I know I must let her in to the most vulnerable part of me.

I still remember the email I wrote to her. I braved through the risk of letting her know it all. It was hard admitting that I was perhaps, not as ideal? Yet I know I have to do it for the good of our relationship. If I were to hide it from her before we even start, I cannot imagine what things I will hide from her in future. The mistakes this avoidance may potentially result, are grave and if committed, are irreversibly damaging. Also, as a purist for love (as I shared on how hard I sought to find fulfilling love), I know I would never find real intimacy and connectedness with her, if I can’t tell her what my biggest weakness is. This is my reason for being truthful and honest with her. I know I have to be courageous and face this battle.

Rox’s response to me was very encouraging. She thanked me for letting her into this part of my life, and we acknowledged the challenges ahead realistically. Through the years, because of her love for me, and my commitment to account to her out of love, we enjoyed a free, real and intimate love and friendship.

But as guys, the roving eyes are the hardest to tame. Though I can say that I am accountable and free from pornography and masturbation, I can’t say that I am 24/7 free from ‘my roving eyes’. Temptations are everyday and everywhere in this colorful world and we may not always be alert 24/7 to restrain from a  2nd look. Out of convenience and to avoid conflicts, I gave myself excuses and kept myself from accounting about ‘my roving eyes’. I thought, “I am already doing what most guys wouldn’t do and who can stop their eyes from roving 24/7 anyway?”

One find day, in a ‘not so alert’ moment, my eyes followed the trail of a lady while Rox was away. The next thing I knew, Rox was right in front of me and caught my roving eyes. I felt totally embarrassed. Her womanhood was insulted and I can understand why. That night, she shy away from our usual conversational connection. Something is impaired in our relationship and I’m not willing to live with this. The only other way, it seems, is if I change – no, not in nature (as that can’t be changed), but in my accountability and letting her into the vulnerable parts of my life again, so that we can struggle together, try together and grow together.

“Ok Darling, I promise you from now on, I’ll tell you my struggles with my roving eyes, but you also promise me, that if I share with you honestly, you will not react ok. I have to admit, I know I am not able to stop this completely, because it’s in our nature as men, but I will try, and as long as I try, and with your support, I should do better. “

With her understanding and assurance of my love for her, she saw the distinction of my love and my weakness, clearer than ever before. We clinched another deal towards the building of our intimacy and love in our relationship. I understand also that to safeguard our intimacy, I do have to make a deliberate choice to put in better efforts to stop my gaze from hovering to the naturally attractive objects.

I know deep down, I will never trade our love away for any substitutes. I will fight with my life to safeguard my love and intimacy with my wife.

The reward I get, is freedom emotionally and psychologically, and a more intimate, loving physical relationship.

Guys can never remove the temptation of lust totally. They can only fight the struggle, and they will only do so if they have sound moral, familial or marital values and a self-controlled character. So girls, choose carefully with maturity, using your head, rather than your heart. You are dealing with guys – all guys come with this inherent lustful weakness, and this will be one great hurdle in your relationship and marriage.

Most leopards do not want to change its spots, some leopards are trying but not ready yet, while those leopards who have changed, they will show it with clear signs of good fruits in their lives. This breed of men makes it a point to stay true to their wives and family, against their natural struggles. The more they make it a point to keep their wives involved in their lives by accounting to her their struggles, the more strength they gain through the deeper intimacy, connection and support of their wives.

Wives play an important part here: the more you understand and listen without judgmental views or harsh reactions, the more your husbands find it easy to open up and be vulnerable. It’s not just communication that keeps the marriage fire strong, it’s deep, open and vulnerable communication. Such communication builds real intimacy, which is the connection every person yearns, and this is where men find the fulfillment and contentment to overcome the innate lustful nature. We will realize that lust is a poor substitute to deep connected love and intimacy.

Lust is not the most fulfilling thing in life; love is.

You must have read about Tiger Woods and his strings of affairs.

Did you also read of Joanne Soh’s column in response of Mr Woods escapades: “My mum is right: Men are pigs“ in the New Paper?

Her column received a barrage of replies via the forum, most of whom criticizes her for putting men down and calling them ‘pigs’.

While I am not about to add ‘wood’ to the fire, I wish to share our personal experience in dealing with what Joanne Soh talked about  - the ’roving eyes’ of men.

Let me start by just acknowledging as a man, that Joanne is right. Man are indeed born with roving eyes. Me included.

That has got Joanne to equate men with ‘pigs’. Well, I used to tell my wife, or other women whom I have a decent friendship with, or girls whom I wish to impart protective knowledge to, that all men are, (are you ready for this), ‘beasts’.

Why do I term my very own gender group of people (which includes me) with such a animalistic term? This, (and I hope all you girls out there are listening) is because men has a natural instinctive ability to divorce love from sex. This practically also means that man has an inability to stop lusting even after he has found, love. Realistically, it means that it is so easy for a man, even after he has been married to his beloved wife and had both love and sex from her, to still be drawn to other lust infecting objects.

Which probably explains why Mr goody image Tiger Woods, despite having it all, you name it - talent; money; fame; a hot wife etc, could not stop himself from succumbing to the lure of lust.

And it’s not that these men who succumb to lust does not love their wife. Many of them do treasure their sweetheart whom they married and the family and home which they have painstakingly built up. They wish to be good husbands and fathers. Without their wives, some of them can even feel lost, inadequate or incomplete.

But despite the love and kindness these husbands harbour for their wives and family, they can’t deny that they have this innate attraction to ‘those things that looked good and is naturally attractive’ to their eyes. It can be as simple as how a child is attracted to bright colours, how tourists are all attracted to breathtaking sights – men are attracted to any visual images or sights that brews lust in them.

Before you womenfolk cast a stone at us, I wish you to understand, it’s no fault of us, really. Some of us wish that we are not born this way. But we are. And there ain’t anything we can do to change this fact.

The adage, “Men gives love for sex, women gives sex for love,” holds true.

The majority of men I know, kind of give up on this need to struggle against their innate lust nature. It’s just too hard or impossible to fight, they feel. Many of them also embrace their gender unique nature and see it as a norm to acquire lust as long as it does not harm. And they believed that as long as they don’t tell, they won’t harm. Among my guy friends, I know it’s not uncommon for infidelity to take place, even if they are married, especially when overseas, in Army or out for some function or pubbing with other guys.

Ironically, many wives played a part to compromise their guy’s moral resolve. For example, I have heard many times of how some wives find it ok to engage in pornography watching with their husbands. Some so called relationship experts or magazines even termed it healthy fun. This is furthest from the truth. When guys engage in pornography whether with or without their wives, they are feeding that innate lustful nature. That which is being fed, grows. The guy that feeds the desire of seeing pretty naked women in the films is more likely to give in to tantalizing temptations in real life. After all, it seems like his wife approves of it by showing understanding to his boredom and allowing other women to come in through visual images. And lust can never be fed enough. You can never finally feel satisfied or full after tasting a certain number of women. The insatiable appetite finds it’s best excuse to engage in it’s same course over and over again. This is the same reason why when couples engage in pre-marital sex, they compromises the guy’s resolve to keep sex within marriage as well.

So how do Roxanne and me cope with this innate weakness of mine? I will share more in my next post!

1 . Disappointment

It first starts when couple fails to meet each other’s expectations as they start to live under 1 roof, like why is this not done, I thought u will take care of the house etc.

2. Discouragement
Overtime after repeated unresolved conflicts & disappointments, the couple gets pretty discouraged w the situation & with each other.

3. Disconnect
Conflicts unresolved turns into resentment over time & resentment kills off loving communication. Without communication, they start to get disconnected emotionally from their spouse & this opens up doors of emotional infidelity especially when there are other outlets where their emotional needs can be met. Talk about sms flirting, deep sharing of problems with someone other than spouse etc. Before he or she knows, they can develop emotional attachment (emotional infidelity) to another person other than his spouse.

4. Discord
Emotional infidelity becomes actual infidelity. The infidelity finally got found out and is the last straw and the final trigger for divorce.

******

Hope you are not having 2nd thoughts about marriage. We think its better to know & hence take precautions that will ensure that our marriage is one tt stays for life. Marriage is hard work. But marriage is supposed to be blissful & intimate.

However, failure in marital intimacy is often not a result of ill intentions on anyone’s part, but is often because we’re ill-informed on the critical pitfalls of love.

Our Love Successfully classes are specifically designed to bring comprehensive understanding to the issues that determine the success of a relationship. Call us now, to find out more.

However, I was a little surprised when most in the group collectively responded with…should I say, ‘not too encouraging’ response. Why? Many of them commented I was still in my honeymoon phase and that it’s a matter of time before my ‘bliss’ fades into monotonousness and unending responsibilities, tasks. I do remember too that someone mentioned, “wait till you have your first child…”

It reminds too of another friend I met during reservist who has been married for 3 years, and was already sick of marriage life with his spouse…

I smiled as there’s nothing I can do to prove myself. I know that these are common viewpoints out there in this world but I really wanted to say, “Rox and me will be different”, and that if there’s anyone’s marriage who will work out well, I know it will be us!

Why do I have such confidence when most people feel that marriage is a gamble? It is because I know the framework of love where I build my relationship with Rox is one that will last. We build our love on basis of commitment and friendship, such that when beauty fades, we have something that will last the test of time.

I took a long time to find someone like Rox, someone that I know can be my best friend. She shares my passion in people, compassion for the hurt, my values in love and commitment and in saving ourselves for each other. We share many similar interests like taking walks, communicating, cracking silly jokes or doing silly things together, travelling and exploring. She’s intelligent and can understand my concepts.

We may be simple, yet very disciplined in love. We have decided to walk in love, beyond just falling in love, and we work hard daily to stay emotionally connected, so that our friendship fire burns brightly.

What about you and your partner? Do both of you share a deep level of friendship? Is the relationship built on commitment?

The really sad thing is, even for those who are already married or have a partner at home, 39.7% of them continued to have multiple sexual partners in Down Under!

Rox and I just had a discussion 2 nights ago. We discussed openly about adulterous issues and if it happens to either of us, would we be able to take it. I appreciate it that she expressed her emotions to me. We always pride in ourselves that our intimacy is first built on our emotional connection. There’s absolutely nothing to hide between the 2 of us. Yes, I even share with her and ask for her forgiveness when my eyes wandered and strayed. I do that to keep our intimacy alive, so that she will always be my deepest soul mate. In such a relationship, sex isn’t precedence, but is the icing on the cake, whose foundation is built on emotional intimacy, with pillars of commitment, faithfulness and trust. Exchange that for sex with a dozen multiple partners? I think what I have is a dozen times more fulfilling. Flippant sex simply steals away your ability to be truthful with your partner. If you can’t be truthful with him/her, you hide! Behind a wall! You wear a mask! There’s no real intimacy and trust in such a relationship…

Another shocking statistics is that out of those who arrived in Australia and are single, 40.9% reported inconsistent condom use and 24% had unprotected sex with multiple partners!

The most common initial response of some here could be the message of contraception is missing. Perhaps the Brits have not been educated about contraception?

Unlikely.

Britain is one country that splashed out millions to salvage their failing marriages and families falling apart. Their sex education has been carried out for many years and this social issue has captured nation wide attention. Just think about Alfie Patten and Chantelle, the 13-year old father and 14-year old mother who shocked the world by becoming parents, of course, until Alfie’s name is cleared that he wasn’t the father, much to his disappointment that Chantelle has a string of teen boys that she has slept with. It happened in Britain. Britain, much closely followed by USA has been voted the worst place to bring up your kids, and increasingly, their politicians are acknowledging that their problems can be mainly attributed to the failing of marriages and falling apart of families in their country.

So are the Brits not using the condoms because of a lack of education? Absolutely not.

In fact, the common trend found around the world is that knowledge of contraception does not equate to the use of it. And, who ever say condoms are 95% safe, other than the condom manufacturers, and people who are absolutely ill-informed!

And I wonder what results will be yielded if they survey these holidaying Brits – do you currently have an STD or have you ever been diagonsed with one?

I believe if they are truthful, you gonna get some shocking results! After all, STDs are reaching epidemic proportions in Britain and with US having estimated 40-50% of population down with an STD, Britain can’t be too far behind.

Who knows, perhaps the reason why they are not using the condom is that they already know they are infected! The danger is not on these flippant Brits, but on the unsuspecting Australians!

I absolutely feel sorry for those faithful spouses, who will get infected eventually because of a whole nation of people playing in infected playgrounds.

I hope Singapore will never get mentioned in such a way as above. I am proud that many of our youths still stand by their parents’ ideals, but yet, the trend is becoming more and more worrying. We could be at this critical, make or break juncture. We need something radical in Singapore so that our youths can stand up with ideals that shake the world. The world will look to us when they see our difference. Singapore can be leaders of influence to the world’s youths, if we can survive this global tipping point, with radical messages that urge transformation. Otherwise, we will slip like any other of our developed counterparts.

Are there any ears listening?

To me, work life balance essentially means time with my wife.

In a society like Spore, it’s hard to practice work life balance. We have a culture where it’s the norm to work late past your working hours. In many companies, when you leave on time, you will be frowned upon, though there’s actually nothing wrong with leaving on time and everything right about it.

People often measure and equate working long hours to being more dedicated to your job. Often, employers value such workers and reward them with faster promotions, pay rise etc. In such a capitalist driven society where money is viewed as the source of every good thing, it is no wonder employees would sacrifice their time for family, leisure, rest, social etc, so as to work harder to be promoted faster.

Though certain jobs may really require such dedication, I for one, wish that not one single married person in Spore will ever need to sacrifice their most precious family time for work. I understand the occasional need when events are nearing and projects are due, but it should never be the norm, even if you hold an important job. Rest and time for family, should always be catered for, for whatever the importance of the job, nothing should come in the way of your union with your closest loved ones. I admire US president Obama in this aspect cause even in the busiest of jobs, his wife and family seem closely involved and connected. That’s something all busy high level Singaporeans can learn from.

I faced much challenges these last 3 weeks as I was on reservist and had to attend a commander’s course. This course is highly disciplined and required much of our time and commitment. I practically woke up at 5+ am everyday and reached home close to 8pm every night. I burnt 2 extra nights as well staying in camp one of the 2 nights and reaching home after midnight the next. It was tiring. Some times, after reaching home, I was so tired that I had to retire at 9+pm. Clearly, my time with my wife was affected.

But I was glad that I fought hard and was granted off on 2 days which I can spend with my wife. It was a hurdle to cross with the concern that the commanders of the course would not understand or even care about the importance of my family time, but I asked anyway, tactfully at a ripe time and with clarity on why I think I needed the off. It surprised me when they first agreed to allow me to go for a ‘marriage course’ with my wife last Friday. Then, I fought for off again yesterday and they granted it to me today, which is supposedly the last day of the course. I had a wonderful rest and time with wife today, celebrating our 2nd month wedding anniversary.

Sometimes, our culture does not permit us to live by our priorities easily. But for me, I have learned a good lesson through this that I will have to fight for what I want. If I value time with my wife, I may have to ‘ACT in faith’ so as to get it. Trying never fails, but if we don’t try, we have already failed.

Will you fight hard so as to keep the things closest to you strong always?

Does it even sell? Is it popular? Would people even sign up?

This is what I usually tell them, and the latest abuse case of celebrities Chris Brown on Rihanna proves my point.

We all know that Marriage Preparation Course has been pretty established, recognized by government, MCYS, agencies and couples that it is useful and helpful to attend MPC before one gets married.

A question I would like to post is, if one encounters a major issue in marriage, from when onwards did the issue likely begin to exist?

Having seen my fair share of failed marriages / relationships, may I suggest that many times, these issues are likely to exist…

…before the couple even had their first meet.

That’s right. If you look at Chris Brown and Rihanna’s example, should they get married one day status quo, it is likely the marriage will face abuse issues. And if you ask when did these issues started, I would say, these issues are within Chris even before he met Rihanna. Is this reflective of many relationships out there today? Well, to a certain extent (though not every case has to be abusive) I would say yes.

So why shouldn’t one go through preparation even before he gets into a courtship? Had Chris been through that, he might have known the seriousness of his temper and violence issues, and dealt with it before committing to a relationship. If preparation comes just before marriage, pre-mature commitment and emotional entanglement may disrupt a couple’s logical analysis and decision outcome. Even if there are serious issues surfaced during MPC, a couple may just go ahead to get married, simply because it seems too much to lose to call it quits by then. (In Singapore context, you can even imagine pre-mature financial commitments! i.e. HDB flat etc – think Ronald Susilo and Lee Jia Wei)

Still single and not in a relationship? Well, instead of waiting for the right one to come along, why not start preparing, so that you can become the right one for him/her when you finally meet each other!

Click here to find out more!

In it, it was cited that rape cases in 2008 shot up to 109 from 72 in 2007.

There was also a sharp rise in girls below the age of 16 having sex, with 310 cases in 2008 compared to 216 the year before.

That’s a 51% rise in rape cases and a 44% increase in underage sex in just the span of 1year! It’s no wonder the police has cited the trend as ‘worrying’ in the same article.

Though sexuality education has been running in schools for a good 8years, it seems like our next generation of children have not responded very well to the message our educators have been trying to bring to them.

This can be clearly understood when we consider

1. the extremely alluring nature of the subject matter, sex
2. the increasing influence, propagation of the media and internet
3. the lack in sexuality knowledge of educators and adults
4. the gap in the ways we educate - we failed to connect, convict

The problem is not that there isn’t sexuality education. The main problem is our sexuality education has failed to connect and convict.

To reach a wired generation such as these, a radical message is needed to challenge our youths to buck the worrying trend of the globalizing world. To do this, our message must be real, engaging, convicting, and worthy of them to follow. Such a delivery can only be achieved by experts who have the necessary knowledge as well as developed the know hows to connect and win these youths over.

Watch sex education explode and come to life with Wonderfully Made’s Roadshow – “Have Sex with “I”?“. Standing out from just a focus on AIDs, this roadshow aims to bring thorough awareness on pre-marital sex and all the consequences that comes along with it, through fun, engaging and dynamic delivery. Watch the safe sex myth broken and see how our children can be convicted to live lives that safeguard themselves and their future family.

Let’s not bore our ‘MTV generation’ children with cliche presentations and answers. Let’s not lose our status as educators whom our children can trust to really impart and impact them with a better life than what the ‘sexualized’ media and world, has to offer.

What is not surprising about him is that he faces woes and disillusionment about marriage and relationship. As we talked to him, it becomes increasingly clear that this charming and genuine guy, has seen so much disappointments in relationships that he doesn’t believe in it anymore.

‘I need an understanding girl,’ He said. ‘Someone who will understand if due to my work and situation, I am late for my appointment or that I have to postpone my appointment with her. If she truly understands my predicament, she would be fine to have her own meal first, and wait for me to be free. My last girlfriend left me because she felt I couldn’t spend that time with her. She was the one I loved most, and if she would be willing to return to me today, I can afford all the overseas trips that she wanted so much from me, only that I couldn’t afford it then.’

Disappointments. Disillusionment. Mr Creative, genuine at heart for this one girl, has given up on marriage, or that he will ever find a true girl that understands him. The present life that he engages in, the hangouts that he goes to, the girls whom he mixes with, perpetuates the cycle that he may never find a good girl who can understand him.

Despite our subtle hints, inside, we really wish to shout to him,

“hey friend, it’s not because you aren’t good enough, or that you can never find a good girl, it’s just that you need to get your life in order, make yourself a whole person first, then look for another who is whole, who is mature, then you have a real real chance of a happy relationship, and a lifetime of marital bliss.”

Mr Creative could be you or me. It could be someone we made up. But hey friends, you got the hint?