Be it physical abuse, verbal taunting, shameful teasing or even cyber bullying, social rejection destroys one’s confidence at the core of who he is. The result of which could even be that the victim rejects himself. From then on, he might take on a persona quite unlike him, so as to gain acceptance.

But a rejection of self is never the way to go. The perceived short term gains often do not last, and it might be at the expense of long term peace and self satisfaction. Even if we gain acceptance by putting on a false front, we will continue to doubt that we can be accepted for who we truly are. After all, it is the false image that we put up for ourselves that’s gaining affection isn’t it? Such a person becomes incapable of feeling loved and slides deeper into confusion, disconnectedness and even psychiatric illnesses like depression.

What is helpful, other than addressing the bullying situation, is to work on restoring and reaffirming the victim’s identity. Parents, avoid labeling your children negatively. Teachers, do not think that the odd student in the corner is fine being isolated on his own. Nothing beats telling a kid to have confidence in himself than the fact that he has friends. Nothing teaches a kid how to socialize better than real social settings with friendly and sensitive people around him. Wonderfully Made organizes a series of social escapes to allow children to socialize in a safe facilitated environment. To find out more, click here!

Thinking this is the shocking survey results of newly released data on Singapore Youths, I grabbed a copy of The New Paper to read more about it.

In it, it quoted results from an poll conducted by the online forum Flowerpod, that more than 40 per cent of nearly 1500 people said they had sex for the first time beore they were 18.

I did a check on the Flowerpot website to take a look at the poll myself, and this was what I discovered:

The question that was actually asked in the poll is, “at what age did you lose your virginity?”  The forumers had 5 choices to choose from: 16-18; 19-20; 21-22; 23-24; 25 and above. I took a screenshot of the forum page:

SO = Significant Other

With such a headline, would you agree with me that it grossly misleads  many to believe that a proportion  as much as 40% of all Singapore youths have lost their virginity before 18?

This is however clearly not the case if you study the survey poll carefully.

Since the poll asked ‘at what age did you lose your virginity’, it only required youths that are ‘sexually active’ to respond. Youths who are not sexually active do not have a category to respond to. Hence, this group of  non-sexually active youths would not have contributed to the sample size. The sample would not be a good reflection of the overall population of our youths and the results obtained would not be representative of national trends.

To conclude that 40% of youths are engaged sexually before 18 today is hence ridiculous! I can liken this to doing a survey with a group of prisoners asking them at what age did they start committing crimes that warrant them a jail term. 40% of them responded saying that they started committing crimes that warrant a jail term between the age of 16-18. After that, I conclude my survey with a report that says, 40% of youths in Singapore today commits crimes that warrants a jail term before the age of 18! Our government will need to convert half the schools in Singapore into prisons and homes to house all our wayward youths!

So parents, educators and even youths alike, we realize the need to be discerning especially in this time and age, and especially when we read headlines and reports like this!

As a sexuality educator, I am certainly not naive to know the trend of youths engaging in sexual acts is on the rise. However, it is one thing to be educating people on the worrying trend but it is another thing to mislead people into thinking that the trend is much worse than what is factual! Such misleading reporting will almost certain lead to unnecessary ‘playing up’ of the pressure among youths to get hitched and engage in pre-mature sexual intimacy! It also diminishes hope among parents and educators who are still trying to make a difference in helping youths make healthy choices in their relationships! There will be much repercussion and ripple effects of such misleading reports!

Would you join me to spread the message out in educating as many people as possible of the misleading report?

Further Comments:

A check on a few forums few days after has shown that many people and youths are already misled by the report. Many of them have quoted the headlines as reported in The New Paper and the forumers conveniently and naively take that to mean that 40% of youths today are sexually active even before the age of 18. Many youths have commentted on their desire to lose their virginity and some have stated that they are unlucky to still be a virgin today. This ripple effect was exactly what I was talking about, and it was something I had expected when the report was published. More and more youths will begin to look down on themselves because they have abstained, or because they have not sought out sexual fulfillment from relationships. While those who have had sexual experiences at a young age will pride themselves as the fast growing majority and become more dessensitized to the unhealthy nature of their choices. They will have more reasons to resist teachings on abstinence, and how saving their best for the best person at the best time is no longer valid in today’s world. 

Parents, educators, we need to do our best to speak out if we really care for this generation, and the generations of our future. We need to stand up as a voice in the nation, and believe that abstinence is still the healthiest choice. Otherwise, Singapore will reach the tipping point and face greatly disturbing health and social issues among their youths, like how America and youths from the West are facing today, within  decades.  We must maintain our foundational familial values, which are the bedrock of our nation, and which start from a healthy marriage, which in turn, start from healthy choices from young. If our youths are compromised since young, what’s left of their dignity and strength to make healthy choices for their future, and for the nation’s future?

At first glance, bullying seems most straightforward to handle. Haul the bully, punish him, case close. It is often later that the authorities realized that the tension between the bully and the victim remains unresolved by conventional punishment. The bullying simply goes underground and takes on hidden forms to escape the authorities’ detection.

The discerning authority helps by adopting a firm but restorative stance towards the bullies. After all, survey shows that most bullies have been bullied themselves before. No one really empathized with them then, and so they learnt not to empathize with others. This does not mean a condoning stance over the bullies’ crimes, but a partly firm, partly restorative intervention that makes sure that while the severity of consequences are being considered, the bullies are given negotiable chances to make things right with the victim. Most victims also benefit from a mediation session where they face their bullies to share their pent up emotions. This restores the balance of power fairly back to the victim, by the fact that he’s having the last say now. It also allows the bully an opportunity to empathize with the victim and understand the pain he has caused. Success increases with the authority’s ability to be absolutely firm, yet empathetically influencing the perpetrator.

The authority then works to shift the ‘dynamics’ in the classroom. Through a phase by phase strategy, neutral bystanders are empowered and educated to move from being fearful, pro-bully subjects, to be just and courageous to stand up for the bullied. Coupled with continued intervention from the firm authority, the tide changes and the bully loses power and favour.

Our child’s values are built when they see our stand to unfair circumstances around us today. What are you going to teach him about bullying? To stand up for social justice and be counted for the lesser, or to cower in fear or be indifferent?

Those of you who know Leo would know about his passion on matters regarding sexuality and relationship! Being happily blissfully married, he finds it a privilege to be able to share tips out there from years of accumulated resources. After all, seeing Successful Relationships was why WM was started!

In this issue, Leo shared his views and gave tips on what women can do to enhance emotional intimacy with their spouse after sexual intimacy. To know more, buy a copy of Jan’s edition of Simply Her and read it today! Leo will be featured in even more details over Apr’s issue and beyond! So watch out for it!

]]> http://wonderfullymade.com.sg/simply-her-magazine-leo-is-featured/feed/ 0 http://wonderfullymade.com.sg/1-to-1-coaching/ http://wonderfullymade.com.sg/1-to-1-coaching/#comments Mon, 15 Nov 2010 09:12:20 +0000 Leo http://wonderfullymade.com.sg/?p=1253 Teased for being ‘small’…

Caught in sexual habits and wrong kind of peer support…